Interviewer: We are here today with the man of the moment, Lazarus, who yesterday was spectacularly, and some say miraculously raised back to life by Jesus Christ. Lazarus, thanks for joining us.
Lazarus: You’re welcome. I’ve been dying to come on this show.
Interviewer: So, Lazarus, how do you feel?
Lazarus: Well after four days of resting in peace on my death bed, I’m a bit stiff, but surprisingly quite refreshed. Apart from a few times where I had to roll over in my grave, it was nice to get some down time if you know what I mean.
Interviewer: Not really, but have you been able to work out what actually happened to you?
Lazarus: All I know is this – last week I was sick and died. But to my surprise as much as anybody’s, this week, I’m alive.
Interviewer: But what happened, where did you go?
Lazarus: Well I’m glad you raised that question, but I really don’t know. I was dead.
Interviewer: What has the attention been like?
Lazarus: Overwhelming. It seems I raise a crowd wherever I go. I didn’t get a wink of sleep last night and I’m dead tired today.
Interviewer: Ok, jokes aside, can you give us a bit of background about yourself, your family and what they think of this whole near-death experience of yours?
Lazarus: Well I was born and raised in Bethany, twice now in fact. I have two sisters, Mary and Martha, and a drop-dead gorgeous wife, Leah. They have all been through quite a lot in this last week.
Interviewer: Can you expand on that? What have they been through?
Lazarus: Well for a starters, it’s not a near-death experience as you describe it, but a fully-death experience. I was dead. Kicked the bucket. Bit the dust. Passed away. Pegged out. Pushing up daisies. Fell off my perch. Gave up the ghost. Dead as a dodo. Gone.
Interviewer: Ok ok I get it. Please. But how did your family react?
Lazarus: Sorry, well understandably they were distraught. Both of my sisters were also quite upset with Jesus as they thought he had made a grave mistake in taking so long to get there, but obviously they were pretty happy with the end result. And especially since the dispute over my dead body was resolved.
Interviewer: A dispute?
Lazarus: Yes, my family has a tomb, which we’ve had for generations, but we had missed the last few tomb insurance payments, and they were threatening to sell it off, which is what they call in the tomb industry, a dead give-away. But fortunately the undertakers didn’t let us down, like they normally do, and allowed us to make up the extra payments. In the end we got morgue than we asked for.
Interviewer: Lazarus, are you taking this interview serious?
Lazarus: Dead serious.
Interviewer: Well, have you spoken with Jesus about it? About what happened to you?
Lazarus: Yes, I raised the topic with him, and said thank you repeatedly.
Interviewer: But have you asked him why you?
Lazarus: That’s a good question, and has raised a few eyebrows.
Interviewer: What do you mean?
Lazarus: Well, some of my friends say that I have been flirting with death for years. They were truly mortified when they heard the news.
Interviewer: But you haven’t answered my question?
Lazarus: Of corpse I have.
Interviewer: No you haven’t, you’re just making terrible jokes.
Interviewer: Life is not just about making jokes.
Lazarus: I agree. There is mortal life than puns.
Interviewer: You did it again.
Lazarus: Did what?
Interviewer: Made a rotten joke
Lazarus: Like you just did – Now the stakes have been raised.
Interviewer: You’re doing it deliberately.
Lazarus: Is it tomb much?
Interviewer: Yes. These puns are killing me.
Lazarus: Sorry, I’ll try and maintain my decomposure, I mean composure
Interviewer: Stop it.
Lazarus: Stop what?
Interviewer: I know what you’re doing. You’re trying to get a rise out of me.
Lazarus: No. I’ll leave that to the Messiah.