Category: Jokes

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Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told George and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred’s house…………. and left it there all night.

Thousands of churches across the world produce a weekly bulletin for their congregation. They are informative, functional, and never get a second look. But every now and then one gets published that no one has ever checked and produces what can only be described as a blooper. Most are small and go unnoticed. But some are funny, some are embarrassing, while some are downright hilarious.

Please read these, enjoy them, and share them with someone from your church who needs a good laugh!

1. Due to the Rector’s illness, Wednesday’s healing services will be discontinued until further notice.
2. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery down stairs.
3. Today’s Sermon: How Much Can a Man Drink? with hymns from a full choir.
4. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
5. Applications are now being accepted for 2 year-old nursery workers.
6. Tuesday at 4PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
7. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
8. Thursday night: Potluck supper – Prayer and medication to follow.
9. Twenty two members were present at the church meeting held at the home of Mrs. Marsha Crutchfield last evening. Mrs. Crutchfield and Mrs. Rankin sang a duet, The Lord Knows Why.
10. The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
11. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
12. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
13. Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on “It’s a Terrible Experience.”
14. Don’t miss this Saturday’s exhibit by Christian Martian Arts.
15. On a church bulletin during the minister’s illness: GOD IS GOOD; Dr. Hargreaves is better.
16. If you would like to make a donation, fill out a form, enclose a check, and drip in the collection basket.
17. Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
18. The ushers will come forward and take our ties and offerings.
19. The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Reverend and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
20. Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
21. Let us join David and Lisa in the celebration of their wedding and bring their happiness to a conclusion.
22. Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the information sheep.
23. Diana and Don request your presents at their wedding.
24. The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
25. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
26. Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30p.m. Please use the back door.
27. The 1991 Spring Council Retreat will be hell May 10 and 11.
28. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
29. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
30. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
31. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
32. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
33. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
34. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”. Come early and listen to our choir practice.
35. The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.
36. The music for today’s service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
37. A song fest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
38. Hymn: “I Love Thee My Ford.”
39. Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
40. Women’s Luncheon: Each member bring a sandwich. Polly Phillips will give the medication.
41. Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”
42. The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
43. Ushers will eat latecomers.
44. We are grateful for the help of those who cleaned up the grounds around the church building and the rector.
45. A worm welcome to all who have come today.
46. Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.
47. During the absence of our pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.
48. Please welcome Pastor Don, a caring individual who loves hurting people.
49. A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.
50. The sermon this morning: Jesus Walks on the Water. The sermon tonight: Searching for Jesus

Image via BibleWomen.org

A police officer was sitting beside the road when he saw a car going by at a slow rate of speed. All of the other cars were passing and blowing the horns. The police officer decided to pull the car over and give them a warning. When he got up to the car he followed it for a short way and clocked it doing 40 mph. Since the speed limit was 70 he felt that they needed to speed up, so he pulled them over to talk to them. After they pulled off to the side of the road, and he was walking up to the car he noticed the car had five nuns in it. The youngest appeared to be driving and she looked to be in her 70’s.

As he came up to the car he asked if there was anything wrong.

NUN: No officer why?

OFFICER: I noticed you were going slow and I thought that something might be wrong.

NUN: Young man I know that I don’t have much experience driving in the job that I do, but I was doing the speed limit, 40 mph.

OFFICER: Ma’am that was the route number not the speed limit.

NUN: Oh I am very sorry I thought that those signs were the speed limit signs.

The officer looked in the car and noticed the other 4 nuns were shaking like leaves. The officer asked if the other nuns were ok.

The driver said that they would be after a little while, because she had just come off route 119 a couple of miles back.